15 November 2006

A Single Tear Drips off a Prepubescent Moustache



Erielle is in a horrid mood today. She yelled at some students at school this morning, and she didn't yell quietly. The two children (well, one of them has a moustache so it is doubtful whether or not he can be considered a child) were not doing anything intentionally malicious, thus, the remainder of the class is now terrified of their crazy teacher.

Now safely locked in her office, Erielle is disappointed in her irrational anger, which tends to surface randomly and cannot be suppressed. Still fuming, she plans to squelch her lingering fury by checking out the newest German porn sites during her planning time. To hell with the censors on the school computers. Let them come and get her and cart her away.

On second thought, Erielle decides she is not interested in porn sites today, and will instead eat the entire plate of chocolate cherry cookies that she made especially for her students but too bad for them they’re a bunch of jerks and they’re not going to get any.


In the event that the consumption of these cookies does not diminish Erielle’s angst, please list further anxiety-relieving procedures that come to your minds, preferably those that can be followed within the confines of a windowless cube that is engulfed by the cacophony of a seventh grade band that is playing the same song that the seventh grade band has been playing every single goddamnit year for the five years of Erielle’s short-lived career as a mean middle school orchestra director who makes pre-teens cry.

Optional objects or mediums available in windowless cube for anxiety-relieving procedures:
-random, broken, inexpensive musical instruments that sound like crap
-the internet
-a scanner
-a toolbox
-lunch
-a co-worker's lunch
-a grizzly bear costume
-a stop sign
-a bottle of ibuprofen and about 140 bandaids
-$8.36 in ones and change
-two unopened tubes of Krazy Glue


(Events in this dramatization have been modified. Erielle has not made any students cry for at least 1.5 years, and she doesn’t visit German porn sites. She does, however, have students with prepubescent moustaches, and prepubescent moustaches gross her out, so she likes those students less. They don’t get any cookies.)



Chocolate Cherry Cookies
from Cooking Light

The cocoa powder gives these cookies a wonderfully strong chocolate flavor, and the dried cherries give each bite a fruity tang. There is not even a full stick of butter in the recipe, and only on egg, but somehow the cookies turn out chewy and moist with a crunchy outside. What more can you want from cookie?

1 cup flour
1/3 cup cocoa powder (I used Shaffern-Berger, the good stuff, but if you’re making it for ungrateful middle school students who don’t know how to behave, just use Hershey’s cocoa powder)
½ tsp. baking powder
¼ tsp. baking soda
¼ tsp. salt

1/3 cup butter
1 cup sugar
1 tsp. vanilla
1 egg


2/3 cup dried cherries (I use a cup)
3 tbs. chocoloate chips (surprise, I use about 6 tbs.)

Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.

In a small bowl, combine the dry ingredients and whisk until combined.

In a mixer fitted with the paddle attachment, cream the butter and sugar.
Add the egg and the vanilla and mix until blended.

Gradually add the dry ingredients, scraping down the side of the bowl to incorporate all of the batter.

Fold in the chips and the cherries.

Scoop tablespoons of batter onto a greased baking sheet.
Bake for 12 minutes, then let cookies sit on baking sheet for an additional 5 minutes. They will not look done when they come out of the oven, but they will continue to cook on the baking sheet.

17 comments:

Annie said...

I'm crying too. Hilarious! It's okay, I don't have a mustache.

I have to try those cookies. Lately I've been addicted to chocolate-covered dried cherries. This sounds like the same thing but in heavenly cookie form!

Jess said...

These cookies are super yummy! We made them last year for the holidays, along with the windowpane cookies in the same article, and both were quite good.

We use Craisins in 'em when we can't find cherries, but cherries are better. ;-)

Aoife said...

Crazy glue the change to the floor, a la Empire Records. Laugh at anybody who tries to pick it up.

aria said...

hahhaha and ew!

my suggestion would perform a german porn interprative dance wearing the bear costume and your finest german minimalist nickers underneath!

Toni said...

Very funny post. The cookies look good too.

Erielle said...

Annie, the cookies are heavenly, just like you suspected. Unlike moustaches, which are not heavenly.

Jess, aren't they great? I will have to check out the windowpane cookies. Isn't it sad when dried cherries are nowhere to be found? They're at the Co-Op right now, I stocked up.

Aoife, good one. I would have a blast.

Aria, yes, ew. I apologize for the ew. Couldn't help myself. It's always good to get a good laugh in at the expense of a crying pre-teen.
As far as german porn interpretive dance in a grizzly bear costume, that's brilliant, and I hope it makes someone one cry.

Thanks Toni!

Mae said...

Erielle, you got me worried a little with the porn bit... *giggles*

I'm like you with moustaches - yuck. I hate them with a vengeance! Yes, i used the word hate.

But, the chocolate cookies looks yummy!!!

Rachel said...

ha! being a middle school teacher was rough! love the cookies!

Mary said...

Those cookies look amazing! And only 1/3 cup of butter. It's definitely going on my to-try list.

Erielle said...

Sorry Mae, I didn't mean to give you a scare there. I was just feeling a little punchy that day. I like to go for the shock factor sometimes.

Rachel, it sounds like you are using the past tense in referring to your job as a middle school teacher. Lucky.

Mary, the small amount of butter is a bonus. Less fat, and less expensive! You'll love them!

eliza said...

hi erielle...i stumbled on your blog from flickr. love your writing & humor!

those are good cookies!

Shannon said...

Hi,

I found you by way of 101 Cookbooks. You had me in tears! Seriously! As a fellow Chi-town music teacher I can feel your pain. (Even worse than the middle school mustache? The middle schooler with their tongue peirced! Yuck! And it is always the kid who is creepy enough without it.)

Ehem... The cookies look fabu. I will have to try to modify them and make them gluten free. I miss my chocolate covered cherry cookies we made every year. Your recipe would be so much easier to modify and would take FAR less time.

That Brazen Tart said...

I'd think that sporting your own mustache would greatly improve your mood. Steal a little fur from the bear costume and attach it with superglue. Voila! Instant mood swing.

And if it's a co-worker you like, sneak a few cookies into his/her lunch. Surreptitiously doing good deeds always makes me feel better.

Kristen said...

Oh my...I am cracking up! I love your account and am completely with you on the mustache dislike.

Those cookies do look heavenly! I have a cookie exchange coming up... I think I give those little beauties a try! Thanks for sharing the recipe.

Karen said...

My friends do a cookie baking contest every year...I'm going to use this recipe so...I'm counting on this to win. :D hehe.

Donna said...

Hi,
I heard about your blog from from TAJ but anyway just wanted to say love your blog! I made the brussel sprouts and the cherry chocolate cookies today. The sprouts were heavenly.

However, due to my lack of recipe following skills I unintentionally made the cookies very dietetic by only putting 1/3 cup of sugar instead of a whole cup! I thought I would have to throw away the cookies but they were surprisingly edible. Just wanted to share. I can't wait to make them "right" though. Thanks.

Julez said...

I need to read your blog everyday! You crack me up! Thanks for the pick me up!