Self-Pity Pie

Chocolate Cookie Banana Peanut Butter Pie

I think I read somewhere that when something good happens to a friend, you should be happy for said friend. I can't remember where I read that, but I don't think it's true, because something good is happening to some of my friends, and I am violently fluctuating between being happy for them and insanely jealous of them.

What has happened to my friends that has caused my dark envy to rear its ugly head? They are becoming rock stars, that’s what’s happening. Indie rock stars (the cool kind).

Two of the girls in my string quartet are currently on a U.S. and European tour with the popular indie rock band Bright Eyes. The other one is about to go on another tour with her wonderful Chicago-based band, The 1900s. Two of them have played with Kanye West, one of them with Sufjan Stevens, two with Rilo Kiley, and one with Pinetop Seven. Why haven't I played with these bands, you ask? Well, I play the viola. Enough said. My track to stardom was over the day I learned how to read alto clef.

Quickly working their way up the indie rock ladder, my rock star friends will soon be sporting their own entries in Wikipedia, and Pitchfork readers will recognize them instantly when they walk into any bar or coffehouse across the nation.

OK fine, maybe I have had a small taste of their rock-star status when I got to play on the Oprah show with Il Divo.
But I hate Il Divo.
So it doesn't count.

Getting back to self-pity. Let us compare the life of my rock star friends to my miserable existence. hate them poke them in the eyes with their bows
1. My rock star friends gallivant about the planet, seeing interesting people and places everyday, exposed to the wonders of the world. I gallivant to the suburbs.
2. My rock star friends wake up at noon. I wake up at not-noon.
3. My rock star friends will soon be feasting on Parisian brie and baguettes. I will be feasting on cafeteria tater tots and the occasional Einstein’s Bagel if I am lucky to get out to the strip malls once in awhile.
4. My rock star friends have new MacBooks to check their email while they travel on their state-of-the-art wi-fi tour buses. I have a new toilet bowl scrubber. Suck it, Apple.
5. My rock star friends wear cute indie rock outfits all the time and get to show their cleavage. I am lucky if I can find something cute that's not a mock turtleneck.

So that I don’t collapse into a wallowing heap of self-loathing (which is important to do once in awhile but I like to save that for days where my only clean article of clothing is a mock turtleneck), allow me to list what I perceive to be downsides to the rock star lifestyle.

1. My rock star friends can’t make espresso on the road. When they buy coffee at a coffeehouse, they have no control over the quality of coffee they drink. Meanwhile, I am lucky to have a husband who ensures that I will have a quality cup of espresso every day of my life. Unless he dies before me. Which I’m pretty sure he will. But let us not think about that at this time.
2. My rock star friends can’t do yoga whenever they want. Whereas I can break out into sirshasana (head stand) whenever it suits my fancy. I think my fourth graders would definitely remember anything I teach them if I was teaching it to them while balancing upside-down.
3. My rock star friends aren’t allowed to poop on the tour bus. I can poop pretty much whenever. Can you imagine how awkward it must be when you have to poop on a tour bus and you have to hold a conversation with a fellow rock star while having to poop and be cool at the same time? I am so glad that’s not me.
4. Last but not least, my rock star friends don’t have a kitchen on the bus, which means they don’t get to make pie whenever they want. Which is the opposite from my situation, because I can make/eat pie anytime. Especially if it is chocolate cookie banana peanut butter pie. Or in this case, I can find the recipe online and have my husband make the pie, because I have too much self-pity about not being a rock star that I can't get out of bed to make it myself. My husband is so good at making pie. I hope he doesn’t die before me, because I couldn’t bear to be without pie.



Chocolate Cookie — Peanut Butter Banana Pie
~recipe adapted from Emeril's There's a Chef in My World by Emeril Lagasse (don’t judge me, Tony Bourdain, you have to admit his food is pretty tasty sometimes)

Ingredients:
16 cream-filled chocolate sandwich cookies
1/4 cup plus 2 tablespoons honey-roasted peanuts
2 tablespoons unsalted butter, melted
1 cup creamy peanut butter
1 (8-ounce) package cream cheese, softened
1 ½ cups confectioners' sugar
1 cup heavy cream
2 small bananas (My husband thought 2 bananas was enough, whereas I would have liked to add another one for a more prominent banana flavor. But that could just be my government-loaned monkey brain talking.)

Directions:
In the bowl of a food processor or blender, combine 16 chocolate sandwich cookies and 1/4 cup of the peanuts. Process until finely crumbled.

Place the crumbs in a medium mixing bowl and drizzle with the melted butter, stirring until moistened. Press the crumb mixture into a 9-inch pie pan, covering the bottom and sides evenly. Chill the piecrust in the refrigerator for 20 minutes.

In the bowl of a standing electric mixer fitted with a paddle attachment, combine the peanut butter and cream cheese. Mix on low until creamy. With the mixer still on low, gradually add the confectioners' sugar, mixing until combined. Turn the mixer off, remove the peanut butter mixture, and place in a large mixing bowl.

Clean the bowl of the mixer and remove the paddle attachment. Add the whisk attachment and, in the clean bowl, whisk the cream on medium-high until stiff peaks form.

Using a rubber spatula, gently fold the whipped cream into the peanut butter mixture, adding the cream a little at a time, and being careful not to overmix.
Peel and slice the bananas, about 1/4 inch thick. Lay the banana slices in one even layer in the bottom of the chilled piecrust.
Spoon the peanut butter filling into the piecrust over the bananas and smooth the top with the back of the spoon. (The filling will be taller than the edges of the piecrust.)
Cover the pie lightly with plastic wrap and freeze for 4 hours or overnight.
Note: If the pie has been frozen for longer than 4 hours, allow it to sit for 10 to 15 minutes before slicing.