Better Than Bacon. Yeah, I Went There.

Guess what this is!

Yes, it does look like an octopus, but it's not. Guess again.

Now do you know?

Hmmmmm....what could it be?

Lardo!!!

No, I’m not calling you fat. These are slices of lardo, which is fat taken from the top of a pig’s back and then cured with sea salt, clove, nutmeg, white pepper, black pepper, rosemary, bay leaf, and coriander. Silky and succulent, sliced so thinly that it dissolves on your tongue in seconds, it leaves your mouth coated with an herbal luxuriousness that even bacon cannot rival. If you know any vegetarians, I’m pretty sure it’s safe to feed them this product, since there’s no meat in it whatsoever. Just fat, la la la.

The dude behind the counter explained that his favorite way to serve lardo is to lay an entire slice on a hot piece of toast so it can melt into the bread. I decided that my preferred method is to lay the entire slice right on my tongue and roll it around in my mouth for a bit, all the while savoring how full and wonderfully rich my life is at that particular moment, and how there is no place in the world I’d rather be than standing in front of the fridge, hiding from my children, and sucking on pieces on fatback from an acorn-fed Iberico pig imported from Spain.

Bonus: You don’t need chapstick or moisturizer for at least a week.

And if you can spare some extra, it’s a good treat for getting babies to do tricks:

Oh! I almost forgot to tell you where you can purchase this fine substance. We picked ours up at Panozzo’s Italian Market in the South Loop. You can also order it directly from La Quercia, a company in Iowa that produces award-winning artisan salumi. My Christmas present to myself is going to be a tub (or three) of Iowa White Spread from La Quercia, which is basically lardo that is whipped up and smooshed into a tub. Personally, I think 'Meat Butter' has a better ring to it than 'Iowa White Spread.' Well, almost everything has a better ring to it than 'Iowa White Spread.' Then again, the more I say 'Iowa White Spread' to myself, the more catchy it becomes.
I can't wait for my Iowa White Spread. Luckily I have lardo to hold me up in the meantime! Phew.

Homemade Naan. Yuum.

I build a shrine to You, oh Glorious Cookbook. Unto thy radiant splendor I shall bow, reveling in thy gracious promise of a bread that does not need to rise overnight, whose dough can be kept in the fridge for 10 days, and whose need to be kneaded is nonexistent.

‘Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day’ by Jeff Hertzberg and Zoë François.

So that you will continue to grant my family with loaf upon loaf of delicious breads, I swear to sacrifice to you all that I am able, Oh Magnificent One. Please specify that which you would have me surrender unto thee.

My children? Oh Cookbook, my love for them abounds too greatly for me to relinquish them to thee. Please forgive me. Instead, I grant thee several hours of innocent and youthful toil. Up three flights of stairs, my dutiful children shall carry pound upon pound of flour, faces aglow in hopes that they will soon blissfully nibble the crumbs of your offerings.

My wardrobe? I have anticipated your needs, my Beloved Cookbook. The Ides of September have barely passed, yet the cool autumnal breezes have transformed my kitchen into a small-scale bakery. Your pages beckon me with promises of warm bread, crusty on the outside and chewy in the middle. Already my clothes are one size larger than they were but one fortnight past. Hence, my wardrobe is thine.

My wallet? But sir, surely you understand that my monies are all but depleted, due to the delightfully excessive amounts of flour that your recipes have required. In addition, I have upgraded to King Arther Flour, if only to bring out the grandeur of your baked grains. I have not been disappointed by the quality of the new and expensive flour. You are so totally worth the extra two-bucks-per five-pound-bag.

Oh Magnificent One, now that I have succumbed to your desires, please grant me permission to spread your Word. Allow me to sing the highest praises of the most recent recipe that your pages have imparted to me: naan. Also, please allow me to stop kissing your ass and close my Thesaurus window so that I can stop coming up with fancy words to describe you and your breads.

Thanks dude. And thanks for the naan. It's phenomenal.

Naan, a traditional flatbread of India and other South Asian countries.

Naan

~from ‘Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day’ by Jeff Hertzberg and Zoë François.

For the dough: (This is the basic “Boule” recipe for many of the breads in the Magnificent Cookbook. I also used it to make Sticky Pecan Caramel Rolls, and the fresh loaves of bread mentioned in the Meat Butter post.)

Makes four 1-pound loaves. The recipes is easily doubled or halved, and you can keep the unused portions of dough in your fridge for up to 10 days. (Note- The authors explain things in much greater detail than I have provided. You should just get it.)

3 cups lukewarm water

1 ½ tablespoons granulated yeast (2 yeast packets)

1 ½ tablespoons kosher or other course salt

6 ½ cups unsifted, unbleached, all-purpose white flour

1. Warm the water to just slightly wamer than body temperature.

2. Add yeast and salt to the water. Don’t worry about dissolving it completely.

3. Mix in the flour using a wooden spoon or a stand mixer fitted with the hook attachment. Kneading is unnecessary. You’re done when everything is uniformly moist, without dry patches.

4. Allow to rise. Cover with a lid (not airtight). Allow the mixture to rise at room temperature until it begins to collapse (or at least flattens on the top), approximately 2 hours. Longer times, up to 5 hours, will not harm the result. You can use a portion of the dough anytime after this period.

For the Naan:

¼ pound (peach-size portion) of dough

1 tablespoon ghee or any neutral-flavored oil (I used olive oil)

Butter for brushing on loaf if ghee is unavailable

1. Dust the surface of the refrigerated dough with flour and cut off a ¼ pound (peach-size) piece. Dust the piece with more flour and quickly shape it into a ball by stretching the surface of the dough around to the bottom on all four sides, rotating the ball a quarter-turn as you go. Using your hands and a rolling pin, and minimal flour, roll out to a uniform thickness of 1/8 inch thick throughout and to a diameter of 8 to 9 inches.

2. Heat a heavy 12-inch nonstick or cast-iron skillet over high heat on the stovetop. When water droplets flicked into the pan skitter across the surface and evaporate quickly, the pan is ready. Add the ghee or the oil, pouring out excess fat if necessary.

3. Drop the rolled dough round into the skillet, decrease the heat to medium, and cover the skillet to trap the steam and heat.

4. Check for doneness with a spatula at about 3 minutes, or sooner if you’re smelling overly quick browning. Adjust the heat as needed. Flip the naan when the underside is richly browned.

5. Continue cooking another 2 to 6 minutes, or until the naan feels firm, even at the edges, and the second side is browned. If you’ve rolled a thicker naan, or if you’re using dough with whole grains, you’ll need more pan time.

6. Remove the naan from the pan, brush with butter if the dough was cooked in oil, and serve. (I made a raita dip to put on the naan, and then I gorged myself on pounds and pounds of naan and raita, and then I became too full to breathe, and I will be repeating that process as soon as possible.)

You don't even have to turn on your oven!

Child Labor Day Cake

Last Monday I decided to celebrate Labor Day by making my three-year-old daughter labor for me. I informed her that she would be baking me an eight-layer chocolate cake with raspberry filling and vanilla buttercream frosting, and then we would be even, for everything.

Of course I helped her, what kind of mother do you think I am? It was a delightful joint effort that I hope she remembers for all of her sweet days on this beautiful earth or at least for a month.

Oh, what fun we had! I made her do all the stuff I hate.

Like buttering the cake pans. How I dearly despise buttering cake pans. Don’t ever tell my kids this, but my #1 reason for having children was to be able to someday delegate that loathsome chore. My friends, that day as arrived. I cannot describe the weight that has been lifted off my shoulders now that one of my children can complete this slimy and horrid task. It makes everything TOTALLY worth it, even the ring of fire. If you don’t know what that is, don’t google it. It will be awkward for you when next we meet.

“Alice, will you please butter and flour the cake pans for me?”

“Why, Mom?”

“Because I made you. Please just do it.”

Notice that I said please. Because I am nice.

“Oh, and also, can you cut this pound of butter up and add it to the meringue?”

“Sure, Mom. I love you. You’re the best. Thanks for letting me touch butter with my bare hands.”

“No problem, kiddo. You owe me big time, though."

Look how slimy her fingers are! EEEEEWWWWWWWWW!

cute

"And if you're nice to your little brother while the cakes are baking, I'll let you frost the cake, too!"

"How am I EVER going to get these cakes frosted?"

And this is the part where you probably expect me to post the recipe.

Ok. I am lazy. Obviously. I make my kid bake cakes for me instead of baking them myself. Therefore, I’m not going to type out the somewhat-involved recipes for the cake and the buttercream. If you want the recipes, please leave a comment, and I’ll figure out a way to get them to you. Alternatively, you can wait a few years until Alice learns to type and then I’ll command her to type those beasts out and email it to you.

Here are the components:

Cake: “Old-Fashioned Chocolate Layer Cake” from America’s Test Kitchen’s The New Best Recipe

Filling: Smucker’s Raspberry jelly, or any jelly that doesn’t have lumps.

Frosting: “Vanilla Buttercream Frosting” from Gourmet Today by Ruth Reichl

General directions: Bake the cake, doubling the recipe. I know. I’m crazy. Cut each of the four cakes in half so you have eight layers. (Don’t let your three-year-old do that.)

Put your first layer on the cake plate. Cover it with frosting. Spread raspberry jam on a different layer, then turn that layer upside down and place it on the first layer, so the raspberry layer is touching the buttercream layer. Repeat. Repeat many, many times, until all eight layers are stacked. It is your choice whether to frost the sides of the cake or leave the glorious bounty of the eight layers visible for all to see.

And of course, make someone else do the dishes. You deserve it.

Birthday Barbecue Sauce

Happy Birthday to Me!

I will not bake my own birthday cake.

I will not cook my own birthday dinner.

But I WILL make my own birthday barbecue sauce.

Yesterday, on the eve of my birthday, I had some friends over for dinner, but IT WAS NOT MY BIRTHDAY DINNER. Who cooks dinner for their own friends for their own birthday? Losers, that’s who. Losers that nobody loves. So, I repeat, this was NOT my birthday dinner.

Ok, back to the homemade barbecue sauce. Something you may or may not know about me is that when a particular food is exceptionally delicious, I like to rub it all over my face. As it turns out, I’m not the only one who has this tendency when it comes to an exceptional sauce. Observe these dinner guests at my non-birthday dinner.

Please note that dinner has mostly been cleared off the table. And sauce is STILL on faces. THAT'S how good it is. You think this picture was posed? Ha. Do you actually think people would willingly smear BBQ sauce on their faces and agree to have their pictures taken and posted on the internet?

Exactly.

So, no, the above picture was not posed, and yes, this sauce is spectacular, and no, you should not leave it on your face for extended periods of time, and yes, you should make it as soon as humanly possible, and no, you should never buy BBQ sauce at the store ever again, and yes, actually, this picture was posed. But it just goes to show the lengths that people will go to prove the worthiness of this sauce!

Aside from slurping this sauce by the spoonful, I enjoy it on pulled pork, grilled chicken, and anything else you would slather barbecue sauce on. Making it from scratch is really not that difficult or time-consuming. You should try it! Make a huge batch and freeze it in different-sized containers. Consider freezing it in ice cube trays so that you don’t have to thaw the whole batch if you need just a dollop for a hamburger. Or if you need to satisfy your craving for a barbecue-sauce popsicle.

Homemade Barbecue Sauce:

~adapted from Emeril Lagasse

Ingredients

4 tablespoons unsalted butter

1 1/2 cups finely chopped onions

6 cloves garlic, finely chopped

2 1/2 teaspoons paprika (if you have smoked paprika, use a mixture of smoked and sweet)

1 ½ teaspoon Kosher salt

½ teaspoon black pepper

½ teaspoon garlic powder

½ teaspoon onion powder

½ teaspoon dried oregano

½ teaspoon dried thyme

1/2 teaspoon crushed red pepper

¼ easpoon cayenne pepper (optional)

2 teaspoons dry mustard

1 (6-ounce) can tomato paste

1 1/2 cups water

3/4 cup cider vinegar

1 tablespoon molasses

5 tablespoons dark brown sugar

2 tablespoons ground coffee or instant espresso

Directions

In a medium non-reactive saucepan set over medium-high heat, add the butter and, when melted, add the onions and cook until they are very soft, about 4 minutes. Add the garlic and all of the spices and cook for 2 minutes. Add the tomato paste and cook, stirring frequently, for 2 minutes, or until the tomato paste begins to brown. Add the remaining ingredients and stir to combine. Reduce the heat to low and cook until the sauce has thickened and the flavors have come together, about 15 to 20 minutes.

Makes about 3 cups of sauce. Remember that you can freeze it!

yummmmmmmmmmmmmy

Play With Your Food

Amy Sedaris beats me to everything.
Once, I had this great idea to cover myself with cake frosting and then roll around in sprinkles, but I procrastinated for too long and she did exactly that and then put a photo of it on the inside of her dust cover jacket thingee.
Disgruntled, I then decided to go savory and to roast hot dogs on a rake so I could cook 12 hot dogs at a time, but I didn’t own a rake, so I didn’t do it, and then she did. Curses, foiled again!
I was depressed for a few months about it, but then got over it when I was inspired to put googly eyes on my food and take pictures of it. Wondering if this could be a viable niche for my path to stardom, I went through Fancy Toast posts from previous years and photoshopped googly eyes on old photos, because sure, I have that kind of time.

Hot Doug's; November 2006


Salsa Verde; March 2007

Fancy Macaroni; January 2007

I was so thrilled with my idea that I began the process of converting Fancy Toast into a blog solely devoted to putting photos of googly eyes on food. I mean, who does that?

No really, who does that? I was curious. So I looked it up. And guess who does that. You-know-who. In 2004 she had hosted a Flickr contest in which she invited people from all over the world to put googly eyes on their food and submit pictures.

Hate her!
Why didn’t she invite me? When I think about how many kindred spirits I missed out on connecting with because I was too unaware in 2004 to be creating real art, I just get sick about it.
So I wrote a hate letter to Amy Sedaris, but before I sent it, I asked my husband to check it for typos, seeing as Amy Sedaris and I share a mutual hatred for typos. I just made that up. After he read it, he didn’t tell me NOT to send the letter, because that’s the kind of husband he is, but he did tell me that it doesn’t matter if someone else has already done the googly-eye-on-food-thing, because it’s still funny.

What a sweetheart he is. I started thinking about how much I love that man, but then after 3 seconds I had had enough of that and moved on to (or reverted back to) thinking about how funny the googly-eye-on-food-thing is, even if it’s been done before. Let’s face it. The funniness factor of some things never ever wears out. Like mustaches, and also, knock-knock jokes.
(Knock Knock.
--Who’s there?
I eat map.)



Luckily, the human being that I happened to create a few years ago ALSO thinks googly eyes are hilarious when you put them on inanimate objects, so instead of this activity being a ridiculous hobby with which a grown woman is amusing herself, instead of contributing to the good of humankind, it has evolved into a joyous ritual that I can share with my child, one that will provide her with a childhood filled with memories of laughter and delight. As these mirthful experiences shape her personality, and as she reaches adulthood and is able to contribute to the good of humankind with her humorous graces developed from our mutual googly eye silliness, I will live vicariously through her goodwill as I continue to stick googly eyes on food and other objects, laugh uncontrollably, and text the pictures to my husband, who will have blocked my texts years before but will never tell me because he will know how much joy it gives me to text him pictures of googly eyes on things. Like this one of Shel Silverstein. It almost makes him look a little less creepy, right?


But don’t worry. If your offspring doesn’t think googly eyes are funny, that’s cool. You can still stick googly eyes on your kid when he’s not looking and take pictures of him and post them on the internet for everyone to laugh at. Or not.

(My husband wouldn’t let me post the one where I also drew a nose and a mouth.
That’s the kind of husband and father he is.
If you really want to see it you just let me know.)

But do you know what the best part of all this is? Amy Sedaris can’t beat me to sticking googly eyes on her kids, because she doesn’t have any kids, because she’s too busy stealing my great ideas.

But if Amy Sedaris wanted to come over to my house and put googly eyes on my food or my kids, I would let her, because I love her.



Sour Cream Banana Cake
(I realized I haven’t said anything in my post about this cake. Um. Make it, it’s real good. Or make your own recipe for banana cake, which you’ll probably do anyway, and stick googly eyes on it to make people laugh. Or to make just yourself laugh.)
(Also I realized I don’t know who created this recipe. I got it from my friend Melissa who got it from someone. But you should still make it. Like I said, it’s real good.)

Ingredients:
2 cups flour
1tsp. baking powder
1tsp. baking soda
1/2 tsp. salt
1/2 tsp. cinnamon (original recipe says 1/4 tsp. but what’s the point of that)
pinch of freshly grated nutmeg (this is not in the original recipe so you can leave it out)

1 stick butter
1 cup sugar
2 eggs
5 ripe bananas
1/2 cup sour cream
1 tsp. vanilla

Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
Sift or stir the dry ingredients in a bowl.
Blend butter and sugar in a food processor or stand mixer.
Add eggs, banana, sour cream and vanilla, and mix.
Add the dry ingredients.
Pour into a greased bundt cake pan.
Bake for 40 minutes, or until a toothpick comes out clean ( my cake took at least 50 minutes but my bananas were frozen then thawed and therefore very liquidy).

Sprinkle with powdered sugar, or a mixture of sugar and butter.
Decorate with googly eyes, or not.

Sunday Morning Tummyache

Sticky Pecan Caramel Rolls

Did you know that there is a recipe for magic bread dough that allows you to store the dough in the fridge for up to two weeks, giving you the opportunity to bake fresh bread at a moment’s notice?
Did you also know that you don’t have to knead this bread dough?
And did you know that this morning I decided to stay home from work because I woke up with the the urge to eat sticky pecan caramel rolls as soon as possible?
And did you know that I spontaneously whipped up that pan of sticky pecan caramel rolls in twenty minutes (not counting rising time), because I already had some magic dough stored in my fridge?
If you already know all of the above facts, I imagine you must be magic yourself. And then you probably already know about the huge tummyache that I got from eating half of the pan.
Bummer.
But having a tummyache on a sunny Sunday morning at home is still better than being at work.

The same roll, upside down. Or is it right-side up? It doesn't matter, just eat it.

I should stop complaining about about my tummyache and start telling you about this magic recipe. It comes from the book ‘Artisan Bread in Five Minutes a Day’ by Jeff Hertzberg and Zoë François. The title is ALMOST true; it’s not really 5 minutes a day, because they are only counting the handling time, not the rising and baking time, but it’s close enough for me.

The premise of the book is that you can mix up a huge batch of bread dough with a spoon or a stand mixer (easy), put it in a container without kneading (easy), put it in your fridge (easy, as long as your fridge has room), and anytime during the next 14 days that you need a loaf of bread, you just saw off a hunk, shape it into a loaf (no kneading = easy), and bake it in the oven (easy). The authors demonstrate their technique in a short video, here.

The bread isn’t just easy. It’s good. Really good. Not as good as the bread at Medici, our neighborhood bakery, but better than the bread at our local hoity-toity grocery store, which claims to be ‘America’s Most European Grocery Supermarket.’ That’s a fine middle ground for me, considering I don’t really have room in my little Ikea kitchen for a huge brick oven that can reach 20,000 degrees.

There is a master bread recipe from which you can make several different shapes of loaves. Ahem, or sticky pecan caramel rolls. Yes. Please. But there are almost 100 other doughs to choose from as well. A few that I hope to bake soon are Roasted Garlic Potato Bread, Spinach Feta Bread, Vermont Cheddar Bread, Oatmeal Pumpkin Bread, and a traditional Challah. Oh man I can’t WAIT. I’m so excited that I have already started emptying my closet of all the clothes that won’t fit me anymore after I make a habit of eating this bread on a regular basis. But I won’t care because I’ll be shopping for a new wardrobe with one hand and shoving bread (or pecan rolls) in my mouth with the other hand. And if you follow my trail of crumbs and find me, I’ll tear off a chunk for you, too.

Get the book and start baking!